Drugs and Goop

Time lines are always helpful, no?

They help in crime cases, whodunits, party planning, meal preparation, lots of things. Here is my timeline for yesterday, in case I ever get caught in the middle of a glaring whodunit. And luckily for me, and now for you too, I am a total text message whore so I have a real documented time line. Take THAT coppers!

4:00 p.m.- Finally suffering enough back pain to convince my stubborn mom instincts that my health is indeed just as important as my boys, and that I do indeed need to go to Urgent Care before I claw out my eyeballs, throw them at YOU, and sucker punch my boss.

4:18- I arrive at Urgent Care. It is full of people! Everywhere. You know what else it is filled with? GERMS. Everywhere! I enter the waiting room, try not to touch ANYTHING, and attempt to hold my breath for my entire visit.

4:19- Exhale loudly, gasping for breath, red faced and thank my husband for always being the one that takes the kids to this god forsaken germ fest when needed (shit! did I just jinx myself?! I'm sorry boy-os!)

4:21- I get called in to the nurse's station. WOW! That was quick. Yep, it was also too good to be true because they sent me right back out with the doom filled message that I can expect to wait two whole hours before being seen. However, the nurse was kind enough to tell me that if I wanted to go walk around Target they are having a back to school sale. I'm sorry- did you not read my chart- you know, the one you are holding?! Right this second...the one that says I am here because I can barely bloody move?! And I am supposed to walk? To Target?! What the hell lady!

4:22- now I am pissed, but I go back to holding my breath.

4:45- Husband calls about what to make for dinner

4:47- Husband calls again- Canola Oil or vegetable oil? Does it matter?

5:45- Husband calls to tell me that I am never allowed to come back home because apparently when I am not home for dinner the kids are just angels, food tastes better, the dishes wash themselves, and world peace abounds.

6:15- I have finished this book-

I feel remarkably more intelligent than before I got there. I also feel remarkably more 1. ill, 2. frustrated 3. irritated 4. my ass is killing me 5. hungry 6. what the hell is that man staring at me for?! 7. why won't this kid stop staring at my arms?! 8. what the hell is that god damn buzzing sound?!

6:16- I found an apple in my purse. Gotta love mom purses!

6:49- I am in a room!

7:00- waiting.....

7:10- still effing waiting....

7:30 Doctor finally comes in. Reminds me of a weird hybrid of Bill Nye the Science Guy and Mr. Rogers. Talks to me like I am five years old, tells me my last doctor was wrong, and so I have been working in vain for months to make this better in the first damn place!

7:35- Finally diagnonsense- Lower Lumbar Strain (No shit).

7:37- His prescription- take a few days off your feet and go in the hot tub a minimum of twice a day (I'm sorry. Here- lets play a game. It will be tons of fun! We will call it "Let's Compare How Much You, Mr. Doctor, Make with How Much I, Mrs. Perpetual Student Makes, and See Which One of Us This Prescription Works For). I tell him that this prescription, although the best effing idea on the planet, will not work for me.

7:40- I am picking up my painkillers from the pharmacy!

8:00- Dear husband kept the kids up so that I could at least say hello, oh! and let them know that I wasn't dead, that too

8:10- Oliver is screaming bloody murder in bed with Dad, I am reading with Tomas in his room. Oh, what a delightful little mommy and son moment. Reading in bed, oh how cute! Let me be so moved by the Rockwell-esque moment that I caress your hair in a motherly manne- WHAT THE HELL IS IN YOUR HAIR TOMAS?!

"What? Oh we were playing at *****y's and I put on his army man helmet and it was just a teeny tiny little bit sticky. Do you think I should take a shower?

What the hell Tomas?! Of course I think you should take a shower- there is some sort of a dead animal plastered into your hair! Get in there now and don't touch anything! ever!

9:15- Tomas is in bed, crying about the world ending over this total injustice, with three rounds of shampoo in his hair, two rounds of dish soap, an entire bottle of baby oil, $17 conditioner (mine!), 5 pounds of mayonnaise, and some sort of a dead animal plastered into his hair.

All delicately covered underneath a beanie.

Now. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PAINKILLERS?!

Weekend Wrap Up

This weekend was pretty dang awesome!

Tomas came home on Saturday, safe and sound! But man, was he stinky! He was so filthy- I swear to you that his clothes were stiff. Ewwww gross. Man, when is Mr. Danger gonna give me some of them baby girl Dangers?!

This week we were able to spend some time with Nealy before she went back to New York, and it was a ton of fun for Oliver. We took him to peruse the Spectrum, and by peruse I mean run around screaming and dancing like a maniac. Nanny bought him a new Cars hat- which he has refused to take off since then- as well as a new Molly Train- which he has refused to let go of since. Update- we are thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssss close to nailing the alphabet. I'm trying...i'm trying reallllllll hard.

Yesterday we took the boy-os to the Natural History Museum to see the "live" Dinosaurs. Here is how it went down-

The baby Triceratops walks in....

Oliver runs the hell out screaming bloody murder with nanny. Poor Nanny cruises the Ornithological society section with the baby. For an hour!

Tomas is doing his thing, watching the triceratops, when he starts jiggling...and bouncing...now he's crossing his legs at the ankles...still bouncing....finally holding himself and grimacing.

Me- Tomas do you have to go to the restroom?

Tomas- Yea, but I dont want to miss the T-Rex.

Me- We can run to the bathroom and get back in time to be here for Thomas the T-Rex.

Right about here is where you can go ahead and insert a mental image of a grown (eh, kinda) woman running through a museum with her oldest son who is holding himself and trying to run at the same time. It should also be noted that we ran right past a bathroom, and totally missed it. We looked... like morons people.

We run back, we get cozy, the triceratops is still there. We're totally good.

Tomas- Mom, can we go? This is pretty boring.

What?! What the hell Tomas?! This is the ONLY reason we drove all the way out to L.A. was to see the T-Rex. And it's BORING?! Jesus!

At least we got to revisit USC. We gently reminded Tomas (7 times) that if he wants to be a dentist this is where he will be going to school (like he would even want to go out of state, away from his dear mother!)...so keep those grades up...look how pretty it is...oh, I mean manly and handsome...

(internal- and damn expensive!)

But dentists make a ton of money right?

And isn't there that dental law that says you have to always take care of and/or financially and emotionally support your mother once you are huge and successful?

Yea, I am pretty sure it's in the fine print.

Operation Laundry

Tomas has been gone all week. (oops, sorry! I made it almost one whole day!) So how is it exactly that all of our hampers are still overflowing with a smorgasboard of stinky men/youngmen/toddler clothes?! Even Tomas has an overflowing hamper, and he is not even here!

What the hell guys!

Oliver has this new habit of storing "treasures" in his pockets. Why do they even give toddlers pockets? For their wallets? Really?!

Here is what I found yesterday in his teeny tiny babykin pockets-

4 clothing tags (he forces me to cut them off, but them keeps them. He rubs them adoringly through the day. Why?)

3 small grey pebbles

1 ball of rolled up red string

1 (originally was a ) breadstick

32 cents (ka-ching! Housekeeping IS profitable!)

House rule- mom keeps the money she find when doing the laundry. It's my sur-charge.

Today I received one of the highest compliments ever. A dear family friend of ours claimed that my writing style reminds her of Erma Bombeck.

I was flabbergasted!

Here is a link to an amazing website of hers-
http://www.ermamuseum.org/home.asp

With that- here is a quote of hers that I love (and you know me and quotes!)-

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left and could say, 'I used everything you gave me.' "

Have a good day dearies!

xoxo,
J.Danger

The Bus

Here is Cha-Cha, on the infamous bus.





This will be my last post on Tommy being gone at camp, I promise.

Oh but did I tell you? He will be entering the double digit birthdays in a month.

ONE MONTH.

TEN YEARS OLD.

DOUBLE DIGITS.

OH NO.

An Open Letter to the Guy Sitting Next to Me on Saturday

Dear Sir,

First of all, the fact that you showed up to take the G.R.E almost an hour late, speaks as a testament to your seriousness as a student. It is the G.R.E. pal! If I can get there on time with two kids, two turtles, and a husband...at 8 a.m....on a SATURDAY so can you! Frankly, I do not think that they should have let you in at all. You distracted EVERYBODY. You know, all those people that got there ON TIME and were CONCENTRATING! Ya, that'd be us. Not you.

Let's move on. Your cologne. Or bodywash, soap, aftershave, or nine and three-quarters gallons of cheap body spray- it stunk. SOOOO bad. I understand that you were attempting to smell nice, and hence improve your self confidence, thus scoring higher on the G.R.E. Of course, it makes total sense. You know what doesn't make total sense? Wearing so much of it that you kill every insect that you walk past!

So you're taking your test right? Here is what I hear from you, two feet away from me.

You- "hmmmmm, immutable.......what does that mean....hmmmm....im...mut...able.....WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!"
Me- (only in my head, where it is QUIET, because we are all TESTING) "unchangeable, asshole!"

But apparently you did ok at the verbal, because you made it to the quantitative portion. What you say? How do I know? Here is how I know-

You-"wait wait....x= 1/3 y....so no....an equilateral triangle....three sides....four angles? Wait, what was x? Oh no.....hmmmm....."

Thats how I knew.

Luckily for me, the testing center supplies you with big orange hunting ear muffs to drown out all sound from around you. What I mean by that is, all of the annoying mumbling sitting next to you. So I reach up to grab my headpones, to the right of me- like EVERY OTHER STATION IN THE ROOM- and you are WEARING THEM! And yours, well they are just sitting there, to the right of you, calling me, beckoning me with their silence and their ability to drown YOU out. But I can't get them. So instead I just gaze lovingly at them, and then glare angrily at YOU, at which point you catch me in mid glare, so you glare back.

So I go back to my test.

my next word was "Gormless".

It was fitting.

As I promised....

Here is Tomas getting ready to leave on the bus.  Doesn't he just scream "Camper"?!

This is the photo I gave to his cabin mate in preparation of the next seven early mornings for them.  You have been warned our dear sweet Jaxon.

Gone Baby, Gone...

Tomas left for camp yesterday.

I did not cry. In front of him at least...

It was very hard. Fortunately for me, it was even harder for Oliver. He was screaming bloody murder while Tomas left.

"Myyyyy busssssss, no cha cha bus, myyyyyyy busssssssssss, no cha cha bye bye bus!"

He was not pleased that his beloved Cha Cha was going anywhere without him.

So we took him to Nanny's, where she spoiled him rotten for the day. Merely to bring reprieve from Oliver missing Cha Cha of course. She took him to the (dreaded) toy store to get him his own dear dear bus. Too bad for Oliver, the bus did not contain his Cha Cha. He decided to keep it anyway.

Cory and I went to the movies. ALONE! It (required a TON of effort and way more time than deemed necessary) was so much fun. We saw "Tell No One", and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Much to my surprise, (oops) it was subtitled. I thought for sure that Cory was going to get up and demand that we leave, but he was a good sport. He even admitted to enjoying it also.

I took the GRE on Saturday. I did very well. But for those of you that know me, very well is not the same as "the best ever". So I am taking it again in a few weeks.

Maybe the studying will keep my mind off of Tomas...away...at camp...for a week...

(pictures to follow....I killed the camera...I think it might have been the salt from my gigantic emotional charged mom tears)