Monday, April 27, 2009

Grand Advice

Here's the thing about being pregnant.  People think that you want their advice.


Guess what folks- this is my, count em, third pregnancy.  I think I got it down this time.

No, I don't know your great aunt so and so who tried such and such to lose weight while pregnant. And no, I don't want to know what you think about ankle swellage or boob leakage.  This shit just happens when you're pregnant.

You know what I do want?  You- to shut the hell up.  I got this.

Oh, and lets not forget about the ones that don't have kids and give pregnancy and/or parenting advice.  Those are always the best, not to mention TOTALLY warranted.

And you- the ones that always feel free to walk up to pregnant women that you don't know and rub their bellies?  We are not waddling Buddhas in skirts and loud prints.  We will not bring you luck.  We are probably hungry and sore, and will bite your face off.  STOP IT.

And yes, I know that I am huge.  What can I do?

Yes, I am SUUUUURRRRRE that it is only one  thankyouVERYmuch.

And yes, I know that 986,783, 480.2 women in the United States choose to birth in hospitals, induced, with drugs and fancy concoctions and be all knocked out for the whole thing.  

But guess what- I am not one of them.  And, despite what you think, THIS IS PERFECTLY OK.  Trust me.

Oh, and men that dole out advice about birthing- what the hell?!

I know exactly what you mean when you say "ways to help move labor along" and I want NONE of that.  

Unless you bring me super hot spicy delicious Mexican food.

Then, maybe we can talk.



Listen Up, MoFos! said...

AWESOME post. Only been pregnant once but suffered e-v-e-r-y single one of the things you listed. Thanks for telling me I'm huge, stranger! Would you like my foot up your arse? No? Shut up then!!!

Anonymous said...

I had people asking me when I was due, looking at my stomach, then asking if I was carrying twins. The checker at Safeway. I almost lost it.

Melissa Vasquez said...

Above= me.

Oh, and the constant- Do you need help with this? Can I carry your bags? Your poor thing!

The market was an ordeal.

Pregnancy is not a sickness. Don't feel bad for me.

Minimeltdown said...

I. totally. hear. you.

That unsolicited advice shit was one of the most sucktastic things about being pregnant.

That, and the hemorrhoids.

God, motherhood is so glam.

Paula Simpson said...

you're the best. Let 'em have it Jess :-) BTW when I get pregnant I will be coming to you for advice. Just a lil heads up.

musicjunkie said...

Whatever happened to simple congratulations and well wishes?

Funny story (funny now, not then) I was at a baby shower and I was in a room with several pregnant women and they were all sharing thier due dates. I noticed a very quiet one in the back so to try and make small talk I asked her when her due date was. Her reply: "I'm not pregnant" Since then I have never asked a due date unless I am 10000000% sure that the lady is prego.

Anonymous said...

hilarious. i'm kid-free over here...and get my own special brand of torture--the "WHY DON'T YOU HAVE KIDS" speeches.

we now have a pat answer for this goes:

me (looking sad): we can't have children...(long, pregnant[ha!] pause)...we have WHITE SOFAS. hahahaha. this usually shuts them right up.

good luck to you. i hope you're feeling good and that everything goes according to plan. and feel free to smack anyone who tries to rub your belly.

erin said...

i want babies. hehe and i want natural... people ask me lots of questions about babies and stuff.. i like to help, but i need my own. :) and i like to rub da belly!!! xoxoxoxo congrats on #3 jess. its like yesterday when u had tomas xo

Gentle Reader said...

I always hated it when old ladies would come up and touch my belly. I wanted to yell, "don't touch me!", or possibly bite off their face. Thanks for this post, made me giggle!

Anne said...

I totally know what you mean and it makes me crazy! I know it's well meant but still, back away! And don't touch my stomach ever! :)

Raging Dad said...

Tummy touching bugged my wife too. You give up a lot of privacy being pregnant. One lesson I learned, was that under no circumstances short of seeing a baby emerging from her vagina, should you ever suggest that a woman looks as though she may be pregnant.