Friday, June 12, 2009

Ready....Steady....wait, not so steady...

I feel like I tell you guys just about everything.  Which, let's face it, is pretty much the story of my life.  But what can you do, eh?

Except, there has been one thing that I have NOT told you all, Internets, that I am going to now. Because it has been confirmed. Possibly.


1.  Problem Pregnancy
2. C-Section.

There, I said it.


Don't panic, I am totally fine I assure you, and so is the wee one.  But this pregnancy has kicked my ass.  Is continuing to kick my ass; daily.

I have always been anemic, so that is nothing new, so we are dealing with that.  On top of that I have a prolapsed uterus, which worsens with each pregnancy (sorry fellas!!).  And lets just say that if this uterus of mine prolapses any further, I will pushing out a hysterectomy along with the bean.  And, the baby is breech.  OW.  Walking would be nice, it really would.  At this point, I WANT to exercise.  Anything.  I can't even get up the stairs easily anymore it hurts that bad.  It scares me to be home alone with the boys, because I can't do anything.  Oliver has duly noted this, and runs away from me at every opportunity.  I cry and waddle after him, holding my crotch.  And I am gigantic! Both the boys were large at birth to begin with- #1 was 9.8, and #2 was 10.3.  So hello?!  #3- I'm waging about 12 or 13.  

But now?  Now- gestational diabetes.  Poking myself 5,674 times a day.  Measuring and monitoring EVERYTHING that I eat, drink, or even momentarily chew.  And so far, even following all the rules, I am high all day, then way too low at dinner time.  Makes no sense.  The worse part is that my machine is registered through my doctor's office, so he automatically gets a read out of my counts- so he knows approximately 2.5 seconds later that my count was off.  Awesome.  I have two weeks to get them right, every time, every day, or I need to go back to get on Insulin.

On top of this, I found out way early in my pregnancy that I have active Group B Strep (sorry fellas!!) so I have been dealing with that the whole time too, but now that delivery is looming closer, it has become a bigger issue- particularly paired with the diabetes.

Wow.  I am so awesome.

But here is the thing.  Yesterday, we had "The Talk".  My doctor said it- C-Section.  No big deal right?  I get to plan the date and time, I get to be pretty much knocked out through it, and bingo bango I gotta' new baby.

Right, but then there is the drugs that I will have to take, the anesthesiology, then there is the fact that I will not be in control of my own labor, or my own body for that sake.  Oh, and I won't be able to hold him immediately, let alone breast feed him, or even attempt at bonding with him for roughly four hours.

This is hard for me.  I believe in natural labor and delivery, I support breast feeding, and attachment parenting.  I am a "Natural Mother" whatever the hell THAT means anymore now-a-days.  I have had both of our boys naturally.  No inductions, no pitocin, no nothing.  No epidural, I stay at home until the very last minute, I get to hold him immediately, he latches from the start, and they both room with me the whole time.  

C-section?  I lose all of this.

Don't freak out-  I am NOT attacking you if you have had, or even opted for, C-sections, or if you take as many drugs as possible to forget as much of labor as you can.  Was your baby healthy?  Did you deliver safely?  Then you did your job, successfully, and amen to that!  But this is what I have chosen for me, and my kids, and it breaks my heart that I might not be able to do that this time.  I feel like a failure.

Sometimes pregnancy effing sucks.