Friday, June 12, 2009

Ready....Steady....wait, not so steady...




I feel like I tell you guys just about everything.  Which, let's face it, is pretty much the story of my life.  But what can you do, eh?

Except, there has been one thing that I have NOT told you all, Internets, that I am going to now. Because it has been confirmed. Possibly.

Ready?

1.  Problem Pregnancy
2. C-Section.

There, I said it.

SCARY AS SHIT.

Don't panic, I am totally fine I assure you, and so is the wee one.  But this pregnancy has kicked my ass.  Is continuing to kick my ass; daily.

I have always been anemic, so that is nothing new, so we are dealing with that.  On top of that I have a prolapsed uterus, which worsens with each pregnancy (sorry fellas!!).  And lets just say that if this uterus of mine prolapses any further, I will pushing out a hysterectomy along with the bean.  And, the baby is breech.  OW.  Walking would be nice, it really would.  At this point, I WANT to exercise.  Anything.  I can't even get up the stairs easily anymore it hurts that bad.  It scares me to be home alone with the boys, because I can't do anything.  Oliver has duly noted this, and runs away from me at every opportunity.  I cry and waddle after him, holding my crotch.  And I am gigantic! Both the boys were large at birth to begin with- #1 was 9.8, and #2 was 10.3.  So hello?!  #3- I'm waging about 12 or 13.  

But now?  Now- gestational diabetes.  Poking myself 5,674 times a day.  Measuring and monitoring EVERYTHING that I eat, drink, or even momentarily chew.  And so far, even following all the rules, I am high all day, then way too low at dinner time.  Makes no sense.  The worse part is that my machine is registered through my doctor's office, so he automatically gets a read out of my counts- so he knows approximately 2.5 seconds later that my count was off.  Awesome.  I have two weeks to get them right, every time, every day, or I need to go back to get on Insulin.

On top of this, I found out way early in my pregnancy that I have active Group B Strep (sorry fellas!!) so I have been dealing with that the whole time too, but now that delivery is looming closer, it has become a bigger issue- particularly paired with the diabetes.

Wow.  I am so awesome.

But here is the thing.  Yesterday, we had "The Talk".  My doctor said it- C-Section.  No big deal right?  I get to plan the date and time, I get to be pretty much knocked out through it, and bingo bango I gotta' new baby.

Right, but then there is the drugs that I will have to take, the anesthesiology, then there is the fact that I will not be in control of my own labor, or my own body for that sake.  Oh, and I won't be able to hold him immediately, let alone breast feed him, or even attempt at bonding with him for roughly four hours.

This is hard for me.  I believe in natural labor and delivery, I support breast feeding, and attachment parenting.  I am a "Natural Mother" whatever the hell THAT means anymore now-a-days.  I have had both of our boys naturally.  No inductions, no pitocin, no nothing.  No epidural, I stay at home until the very last minute, I get to hold him immediately, he latches from the start, and they both room with me the whole time.  

C-section?  I lose all of this.

Don't freak out-  I am NOT attacking you if you have had, or even opted for, C-sections, or if you take as many drugs as possible to forget as much of labor as you can.  Was your baby healthy?  Did you deliver safely?  Then you did your job, successfully, and amen to that!  But this is what I have chosen for me, and my kids, and it breaks my heart that I might not be able to do that this time.  I feel like a failure.

Sometimes pregnancy effing sucks.

xoxo,
J.danger


9 comments:

Susan @ SGCC said...

You poor thing! Don't panic. Everything will be ok.

I developed gestational diabetes with my pregnancy too. They wanted to put me on insulin, but I said no. I was able to control it with carefully watching my diet and getting about 30 minutes of gentle exercise per day. I mostly walked on the treadmill and swam. It's been proven that exercise helps lower blood sugar. The good news is that I only gained 21 lbs!

I did have an induced labor 3 days after my due date when ultrasounds showed the baby to be around 8 1/2 lbs. I also had beta strep and the baby's umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck. I had to have an unplanned C-section, but everything turned out fine. My daughter is now 15 and she has never had any significant health issues.

I know it is scary. It took me 7 years to get pregnant and I was terrified! Just try to have faith and not to worry too much. :)

Paula Simpson said...

You are not a failure! You have 2 beautiful boys and 1 on the way. The important thing is that YOU & Elliott are safe. At times like this you need to "Let go & let God" I am not extremely religious, but you gotta give up the control to ensure both of you are safe. Stay positive, you are in my thoughts & prayers.
Xoxo
P

gitz said...

Not kidding, I just want to come over, sit on the couch and hug you.

I'm sorry. THIS SUCKS. And yes, in the end you too are going to have a healthy, beautiful, perfect little dude who you will love on and adore so much that those four hours won't even be a blip in your memory.

But you're the mom. And you're pregnant. And you should get whatever the hell you want whenever you want it and I'm sorry it's not working out that way.

And my normal advice of coping by eating junk food won't even work with the diabetes!!! ;)

Sending you so much love and good thoughts... in the end, friend, all will be well.

gitz said...

[Oh, and forgive me for not commenting on your giveaway... but the Catholic school girl in me can't stop blushing...]

:)

Eva said...

*hugs* I can't offer any advice, but I'm sending positive vibes your way. And I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. :)

musicjunkie said...

You are not a failure!!! It's not like you had a choice in this. My sister-in-law wanted a natural birth for her first and because the baby was breach she didn't get to. Everything turned out a fine.

You're strong, you're a Super Mom, and once you can sigh that huge sigh of relief you'll realize you didn't need to stress so much.

But, I understand, or empathize (as I haven't had kids yet). You have my prayers, my positive energy, and well wishes.

Chrissey said...

4 hours!? did the dr tell you it would be that long? Ive had 2 c-sections with my girls ages 10 and 3.. it never took very long b4 i was able to hold them and start breastfeeding them.. unless your other medical reasons will keep you away from them for longer.. i dont see it taking that long.. it all happens very quick .. you will do great!

Minimeltdown said...

Ooh, J, I am so sad for you. Not because of the pregnancy complications and the possible c section, but because I know how heartbreaking it is when things don't turn out as you'd planned. My pregnancy and L and D experience was freakish and traumatic enough to keep us at one baby so I understand why you want things to be status quo. It's what you know works for you and it's scary when you feel like that's not within reach.

My hope for you is that whatever happens will be the best for you and your baby, medically speaking, which ultimately is what I know you want too. And four months down the road when you are holding that little pookie, getting him here will be a distant memory.

Bookfool said...

Both of mine were c-sections. I was disappointed and extremely depressed after the first, but I popped back into action pretty quickly. I was just 23. The second was disappointing but not so depressing because I knew it was likely -- both times I went through labor and then ended up getting the damned section -- but at least they "let" me try. Now? I'd just skip the labor.

It's surgery, yes, and you'll need a little extra help. But, get up and moving as soon as you can and you'll be surprised how fast you recover. The important thing is that you don't want to put the baby at risk. You have so many complications that a c-section is a given. Don't worry; you're not a failure. Really, we're lucky that we have the option to make childbirth safer if there's something wrong with mother or baby.

Sending ((((((hugs))))) and good wishes. Write me if you need to talk to someone who has been there. nancytoes at bellsouth dot net.