Friday, May 1, 2009

Pubescent Pregnancy

Pregnancy is a lot like puberty, oddly enough.

Your body starts growing RAPIDLY in weird places.  Like your feet, and your abdomen.  And your chin. And your feet STAY that big too! 

" I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself".

Your hormones go bezerker, (BEZERRRRRRR-KER!) and half the time you have no idea what the hell is going on in there.

You think everyone is always staring at you (because they are).

You worry if your significant other will still be in loooooovvvvve with you in the morning.

You eat.  A LOT.

And, you grow funny hair in funny places.

Lets face it ladies, it's true.

I have this halo of new hair growth.  Makes me look like a damn angel.  A frizzy, mousy BROWN, stand-straight-up-CONSTANTLY-despite-numerous-applications-of wax-and-hot-iron-angel.

I should be sainted.

Not to mention the quickly multiplying GRAY HAIRS. 

And my belly... or Elliot's belly actually, because lets just keep it real here, is fuzzy.  FUZZY.  Fuzzy navel anyone?

Captain disgusto.

But, you know how I know it is a lot like puberty?

(Here is the part where the men in my house begin to hate me.  Oh well...)

Because Tomas is hittin' the ground running with this one folks.

Lets just say that I am NOT the only one on Team Danger growing hair in weird places.

Tweens?   Not the best hygiene practices.  Every once and a while, despite his embarrassment, I force him to bath, and I get a month's worth of scrub on.  Last night- there was obvious hair.

I cried.  And then I died a little bit on the inside.  Because that's my baby, my little man.

And now my little man is becoming a medium man.

Next is girls...and squeaky voice...and phone calls....and "privacy".

What is a mom to do?

Do you think he will notice if I start un-raising him?  Like maybe if I just act like HE is the new baby?  

Maybe no one will notice?


Can I tap out now?

(The ever expanding and graying) J.Danger



Anonymous said...

Love the name Elliott

Hate puberty (Senior' Jacob is starting to get stinky, and the "fuzz" that was once on his, well you know, is "thickening")

With Mr. Matthew, a patch of hair fell out. It "grew back" as a patch of fuzz, thats all it is, fuzz on the front of my scalp.

I feel for you love, I really do.

Heather to the S.

Paula Simpson said...

Oh honey it will all be ok. Just keep the faith. I know plenty of prego women who got there fuzzy areas waxed. Just an idea if it really is driving you crazy.

Raging Dad said...

Oh man, that is rough. Mr. Fuzzy Patch. It's all over now. Closed doors and porno mags. Wait, do they still make those? Does he have Internet in his room? Plan on just leaving his dinner tray by his door, 'cause that kid is about to go into hiding!

Raging Dad said...

Forgot to give you props for invoking Clerks and Lebowski in one post. Bold move, but you pulled it off nicely! ;) Josh