Monday, July 6, 2009

Where in the World is Jessica San Diego?

I know.  It's been ages dahhhhling.

What have I been doing this past month?

Well, you see, my three year old has been trying to MURDER ME.

OH.MY.GOD.

I forgot how rough three is.  Everyone warns you about two.  

Two?  Cake.

Three?  WORMY MUD PIE.

So let us rehash.

In the same day he-
1. Drank his OWN URINE.  Yes.  Yes that is what I said.  When I caught him, and asked him why he was drinking his pee- he looked incredulously at me and said "It's yellow."  Duh mom.

2.  Locked me IN his bedroom with him at nap time.  ON PURPOSE.  Swear to god.  Tucked him in, turned around for the radio, and that's when he jumped up, locked the door, slammed it, and blew a raspberry at me before jumping back into bed.  (We have the locks rotated, so that no child here can ever lock themselves IN a room.  Unless of course mom is in there with you!)

3.  Proceeded to throw toys at me as I tried to heft my grotesquely large swollen body up out of the chair as he wiggles his fingers in his ears at me, while blowing raspberries.

Then there was yesterday.  Where he ran past me at the pool, flinging aside his water wings and aimed for the deep end.  He thought it was hysterical when mommy slipped and fell when she was chasing after him, thus bruising her already sore tail bone (my ass is KILLING ME).

And when he is not busy with all of these glorious pastimes, he is running and hiding from me in the house, which he thinks is just the coolest.  And man! can this boy hide.  Last week he had me in tears, big crocodile tears, because I could not find him.  As I was balling outside on the porch, calling his name, holding up my baby guts, he nonchalantly saunters out-of MY ROOM, where I had just checked nine thousand times!  with his face covered in my BRAND NEW economy sized ($9~) Desitin.

This was the same day that he dumped his BRAND NEW economy sized ($18) bath soap into ONE bath.

This boy is expensive.

So that is what I have been doing; narrowly escaping death at the hands of my three year old.

Nothing new, right?

Now, if I could only read minds....I need to know what he has planned for me when the baby gets here....

xoxo,
J.Danger

p.s.- Tomas- be nice to mommy or I am axing you from my will kiddo!

11 comments:

Minimeltdown said...

Oh. God. Help me. I am now dreading three. There has to be something new that he's doing that is redeeming, though. Right? RIGHT?

Mrs.M said...

Sounds like my kid. Fun times.

Eva said...

Wow!!! My niece is three, and she's a lot feistier, but nothing this insane. She did tell me "I hate you," yesterday when I explained we had to brush her hair before we could go to the library. Good thing I have a thick skin!

trish said...

Eek! And I was just recently talking to my husband about kids. Maybe I'll show him this post and reconsider. ;-)

Bookfool said...

Yep. I get ya. 3 was absolutely, utterly the worst year. The good news is that 4 (with both of mine) was all kinds of awesome. They go through such a wonderful burst of creative energy and they act all grown-up so that you have hope for a while. And, then it all goes downhill again, but you've got a long way till teenagers.

Jennifer said...

Wow! If anyone was ever a candidate for getting locked in the closet, it's that kid! And you get to have ANOTHER boy?? We're dealing with 2 1/2 right now, which is interesting. But I'm with you - there's so much that she just hasn't figured out she can do - and get away with! - that I'm sure she'll figure out right around 3 years!

Robin said...

Oh boy...that brings back memories! I remember that everyone told us three was such a great age, but the good part of three for us only lasted about 2 days. However, those really creative little hellions turn into great adults. There's hope (if you survive it all)! Hugs to you.

♥Rosie♥ said...

Oh yes memories come flooding back now of my kids growing up!!

booklineandsinker said...

i have no idea where you get the strength. i can barely manage my 37-year-old husband, let alone kids. ha.

here's to sanity and patience! :)

The Food Librarian said...

Holy smokes! While I'm cringing, I'm also laughing!! Thanks for sharing!

Cara said...

This is hilarious, but probably only because I don't have any kids!!