Drugs and Goop

Time lines are always helpful, no?

They help in crime cases, whodunits, party planning, meal preparation, lots of things. Here is my timeline for yesterday, in case I ever get caught in the middle of a glaring whodunit. And luckily for me, and now for you too, I am a total text message whore so I have a real documented time line. Take THAT coppers!

4:00 p.m.- Finally suffering enough back pain to convince my stubborn mom instincts that my health is indeed just as important as my boys, and that I do indeed need to go to Urgent Care before I claw out my eyeballs, throw them at YOU, and sucker punch my boss.

4:18- I arrive at Urgent Care. It is full of people! Everywhere. You know what else it is filled with? GERMS. Everywhere! I enter the waiting room, try not to touch ANYTHING, and attempt to hold my breath for my entire visit.

4:19- Exhale loudly, gasping for breath, red faced and thank my husband for always being the one that takes the kids to this god forsaken germ fest when needed (shit! did I just jinx myself?! I'm sorry boy-os!)

4:21- I get called in to the nurse's station. WOW! That was quick. Yep, it was also too good to be true because they sent me right back out with the doom filled message that I can expect to wait two whole hours before being seen. However, the nurse was kind enough to tell me that if I wanted to go walk around Target they are having a back to school sale. I'm sorry- did you not read my chart- you know, the one you are holding?! Right this second...the one that says I am here because I can barely bloody move?! And I am supposed to walk? To Target?! What the hell lady!

4:22- now I am pissed, but I go back to holding my breath.

4:45- Husband calls about what to make for dinner

4:47- Husband calls again- Canola Oil or vegetable oil? Does it matter?

5:45- Husband calls to tell me that I am never allowed to come back home because apparently when I am not home for dinner the kids are just angels, food tastes better, the dishes wash themselves, and world peace abounds.

6:15- I have finished this book-

I feel remarkably more intelligent than before I got there. I also feel remarkably more 1. ill, 2. frustrated 3. irritated 4. my ass is killing me 5. hungry 6. what the hell is that man staring at me for?! 7. why won't this kid stop staring at my arms?! 8. what the hell is that god damn buzzing sound?!

6:16- I found an apple in my purse. Gotta love mom purses!

6:49- I am in a room!

7:00- waiting.....

7:10- still effing waiting....

7:30 Doctor finally comes in. Reminds me of a weird hybrid of Bill Nye the Science Guy and Mr. Rogers. Talks to me like I am five years old, tells me my last doctor was wrong, and so I have been working in vain for months to make this better in the first damn place!

7:35- Finally diagnonsense- Lower Lumbar Strain (No shit).

7:37- His prescription- take a few days off your feet and go in the hot tub a minimum of twice a day (I'm sorry. Here- lets play a game. It will be tons of fun! We will call it "Let's Compare How Much You, Mr. Doctor, Make with How Much I, Mrs. Perpetual Student Makes, and See Which One of Us This Prescription Works For). I tell him that this prescription, although the best effing idea on the planet, will not work for me.

7:40- I am picking up my painkillers from the pharmacy!

8:00- Dear husband kept the kids up so that I could at least say hello, oh! and let them know that I wasn't dead, that too

8:10- Oliver is screaming bloody murder in bed with Dad, I am reading with Tomas in his room. Oh, what a delightful little mommy and son moment. Reading in bed, oh how cute! Let me be so moved by the Rockwell-esque moment that I caress your hair in a motherly manne- WHAT THE HELL IS IN YOUR HAIR TOMAS?!

"What? Oh we were playing at *****y's and I put on his army man helmet and it was just a teeny tiny little bit sticky. Do you think I should take a shower?

What the hell Tomas?! Of course I think you should take a shower- there is some sort of a dead animal plastered into your hair! Get in there now and don't touch anything! ever!

9:15- Tomas is in bed, crying about the world ending over this total injustice, with three rounds of shampoo in his hair, two rounds of dish soap, an entire bottle of baby oil, $17 conditioner (mine!), 5 pounds of mayonnaise, and some sort of a dead animal plastered into his hair.

All delicately covered underneath a beanie.

Now. WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PAINKILLERS?!