At which point, she freaking loses it.

The other day my husband answered the phone to this-

Them- “Hello is this Cory Danger?"

Cory- “Yes, why?”

Them- “Do you live at 1234 Best Damn Family Ever Lane?”

By now, Cory is not only suspicious but also irritated. When Cory is irritated- look out…

Cory- “What is this referring to?”

Them- “Do you live next door to a Miss So and So at 1235 NOT the Best Damn Person Ever Lane?” She is indeed, not the best damn person EVER at ALL, but that’s ok- I won’t bash her here because it is mean. Right? Right.

Cory- “ INAUDIBLE YELLING with some cursing thrown in” meanwhile I am acting like a damn fool trying to gesture to my darling husband that our children are indeed still in the room and are indeed wearing their (usually far from site whenever I need them!) listening ears.

Long story short- these damn creditors actually called US, at OUR house, to try to convince us to march our self-righteous NOT BEING HOUNDED BY CREDITORS asses next door to let our neighbor know that we have a message for her. From her creditor. About her delinquent and outstanding bill. Are you kidding me?! Do we like her? No, hands down- no. Do we wish her ill will- wellllll…….but still- no way I am going over there to totally humiliate her. Come on.

But it gets worse.

I do not speak to my father. I have not, for years now. He is not well however, so whenever something goes wrong, or he needs something- I am that phone call. I come home the other day to this message-

“Hi this message is for Jessica Danger. I am calling in reference to her father. His case has been elevated to critical and severe and I have been told to notify you. It is imperative that we speak to you immediately, as again his case has been elevated to critical and severe. Please call …….and ask for…..”

At this point, I am near hysterics. I am shaking. I cannot breathe. I want to call my husband at work and just cry, but I am dialing the number before I even realize that I want to call my husband and cry instead.

The woman answers, asks my name, the number they called, my father's name, a gazillion privacy questions. Finally I just yell at her to tell me what the fuck is going on and is my father ok?! At which point she tells me that she is actually calling because my father owes a substantial debt that needs to be paid immediately, yadda yadda, etc…

At which point, I freaking lose it.

I would love to tell you what I told her over that phone, but I can’t because despite the fact that I curse repeatedly on this site and talk about yeast infections, vibrators and vomit, at some point in time my children will (eventually realize just how cool I REALLY AM and) read this blog and I need to remember that right now.

But you can use your imagination.

Then double it.

You would be about right.