Revenge is a dish best served with a Medical Degree

Earlier this week my friend Jenn had her adorable little smooshy faced baby, Jack.

That's him, right there- in her belly.

This made me VERY happy, for several reasons.  1- He is adorable.  2- I got to smell little newborn baby head, which is my absolutely hands down favorite smell EVER.  3- This reminds me that Jenn and I are only a few weeks apart, so I am NEXT bitches!

So I have spent the past few days driving (the worst commute EVER!) to and from the hospital to visit and cuddle and coo.  Yesterday, I am waddling into the hospital's main entrance, heading towards the mega elevators they have for the pregos.  You know, the ones that can hold 5,000 pounds at once? Gracefully?  Those.  And two seconds after I walk in, this super nice grey haired little ole volunteer lady (I swear I think I saw her reading New Moon!!!!!) came barreling towards me with a wheelchair.  THAT is how freaking pregnant I am folks.  Pathetic.

So, after screaming at my hard of hearing yet quick with the wheelchair Team Edward cohort that I indeed am NOT in labor and therefore do not need the Porsche of the Elders, who do I see strutting down the super important doctors only past this point hall way?

I see YOU, Mr. had a crush on Mama Dangerous when she was 16 and then got super weird and stabby revenge-y when I politely (not so much) told you that I was actually not that into you after all.

Oh hai!

He did not see me, thank GOD, because none of my shirts cover my bulging belly anymore, which is totally NOT hot.  I also had no makeup on, and I am pretty sure that my bra was all over the place, AND the excitement over the little babies makes my boobs leak EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

Oh yea, and there is the fact that YOU ARE NOW A GOD DAMN DOCTOR!

Which is funny, because I distinctly remember him telling me that the only reason I was not into him at the wise old age of 16 was because I liked "Bad Boys"  on motorcycles with tattoos and funny hair, and that "Bad Boys" will only get me into trouble.

Oh ya?

Well guess what Mr. Smarty Doctor Pants.

This one, this one right here?

 Not so much trouble.  Only marriage, babies, and a happily ever after.

And- he has GREAT hair.

Showed you!

xoxo,

J.Danger

WW: and baby got low low low...

And the waiting begins....

I'm so emo, I could join his team

So, there is a drawback to having a substantial gap in age between your children.

I am about to give birth to an infant, while parenting a three year old, and (trying to) raise a pre-teen.

Ouch.

I am not prepared for this.  I do not know what to do.  He has become a totally different person overnight.

Half of me wants to just ignore him, I am not even going to lie.  I mean this kid is rough!  Mean. Crabby, hormonal, pissy, and SMELLY.

But the other half of me?  Misses my baby.

Where has he gone?!  I never see him anymore, unless he needs food, money, or a ride.  When he is home and in the family room, it is to snap at someone, or pick a fight with whoever is in arms reach.  He gets phone calls all day long, and so many friends stopping by that when I get sick of it, I make it look like no one is home and ignore the doorbell.  Which, oh my GAWD, it is too hot right now to close up all the shutters!

His face is breaking out.

His armpits REEK.

He worries about what he is wearing.

He notices GIRLS, and then points them out to me.

When did this happen?!  In any given day, even just a thirty minute span, I careen from potty mess clean ups to hormonal outbreaks over not having Ramen noodles!  And I am the hormonal pregnant one in these parts folks!

But now, I miss the baby stage.  I miss when he toddled behind me asking "Why why why".  I miss when he used to get excited about visiting me at work for ice cream sundaes.  Or when he loved being the only kindergartner sitting in on my college classes.  Now he won't even be seen with me in public!

So my solution?  I am still not sure.  I go back and forth between hiding from my children to read Twilight and play Bubble Blaster, and crying to my husband about (damn near anything) having more children A.S.A.P.

It is a double edged sword folks, and I am getting both sides.

XOXO,

J.Danger

No one will read this anyway, thanks to YOU BlogHer.

Yesterday Cory and I went to a wedding.  It was the older brother of a family friend of Cory's.  Read= we have no idea why we were invited!  But thank god they did because we really had a great time out.  The bride did it all herself, at the Botanical Gardens, at sunset, gorgeous!  And- there was Mexican food.  REAL Mexican food.  Fish taco bar? Check.  Carnitas? Check.  Real home made guacamole? Check.  And there was an open bar, all night.  Woooooo  I was raging on the diet coke.

Best part ever?  

Cory and I got to stay for cake, which lets be real here, is the only reason anyone goes to weddings anyways.  We never get to stay for cake, we always have to leave before cake, for the kiddddddds, but not last night.  So, to make up for all that lost cake, I had two!  Holla!

Down side?  BUG HEAVEN.  Oy Vey.  And, I looked freaking adorable in all my 9 month pregnant glory, until you got to my feet.  But thank YOU, Old Navy, for making flip flops in every color for only a buck.

Oh ya, and the crazy lady that sat next to us for the entire reception.  

She was following us around, talking the whole time, about our tats and our colors and how adorable we are.  Then we had to fix her chair, she somehow developed a nick name for one of us in all of 3.49 seconds that stuck ALLLLL NIGHT LONG, and....she had crazy eyes.

Oh, you know crazy eyes.

But then- all of a sudden, it comes out.  She is a teacher.  Teaching the same EXACT subject that I want to be teaching, in the ONLY district that is actually hiring right now, AND she is a consultant and advocate in the district.

So, turns out- crazy lady is my new BFF, and I spent the rest of the night clinging to her every word.  Turns out, she freaking LOVES me, and (after two, then three, STRONG drinks) she was pretty rad.

So, me and my new BFF have exchanged ALL of our contact info, and we have a K-I-T date set.

Score one for me crazy cat lady! (I don't know if she actually has cats, but it adds to the illusion)

Today, I am paying the price for all those fish tacos, endless diet cokes, and delicious cake. Quietly, at home, with only the wee one, dreaming of all the cats we all know I will own in a few decades.  And all the old newspapers stacked in corners, with expired coupons just waiting to be spent.  Lets be real here folks, there was a reason we hit it off right quick, crazy cat lady and I.

xoxo,

J.Danger

WW: 35 weeks

(Today IS wednesday, right?!)

Where in the World is Jessica San Diego?

I know.  It's been ages dahhhhling.

What have I been doing this past month?

Well, you see, my three year old has been trying to MURDER ME.

OH.MY.GOD.

I forgot how rough three is.  Everyone warns you about two.  

Two?  Cake.

Three?  WORMY MUD PIE.

So let us rehash.

In the same day he-

1. Drank his OWN URINE.  Yes.  Yes that is what I said.  When I caught him, and asked him why he was drinking his pee- he looked incredulously at me and said "It's yellow."  Duh mom.

2.  Locked me IN his bedroom with him at nap time.  ON PURPOSE.  Swear to god.  Tucked him in, turned around for the radio, and that's when he jumped up, locked the door, slammed it, and blew a raspberry at me before jumping back into bed.  (We have the locks rotated, so that no child here can ever lock themselves IN a room.  Unless of course mom is in there with you!)

3.  Proceeded to throw toys at me as I tried to heft my grotesquely large swollen body up out of the chair as he wiggles his fingers in his ears at me, while blowing raspberries.

Then there was yesterday.  Where he ran past me at the pool, flinging aside his water wings and aimed for the deep end.  He thought it was hysterical when mommy slipped and fell when she was chasing after him, thus bruising her already sore tail bone (my ass is KILLING ME).

And when he is not busy with all of these glorious pastimes, he is running and hiding from me in the house, which he thinks is just the coolest.  And man! can this boy hide.  Last week he had me in tears, big crocodile tears, because I could not find him.  As I was balling outside on the porch, calling his name, holding up my baby guts, he nonchalantly saunters out-of MY ROOM, where I had just checked nine thousand times!  with his face covered in my BRAND NEW economy sized ($9~) Desitin.

This was the same day that he dumped his BRAND NEW economy sized ($18) bath soap into ONE bath.

This boy is expensive.

So that is what I have been doing; narrowly escaping death at the hands of my three year old.

Nothing new, right?

Now, if I could only read minds....I need to know what he has planned for me when the baby gets here....

xoxo,

J.Danger

p.s.- Tomas- be nice to mommy or I am axing you from my will kiddo!